WANT.

Photo courtesy of the amazing Allie Brosh: Hyperbole and a Half

I've been on a clean-the-house kick. What does this have to do with art, you ask? Well, damn! Hold on bro', I'll get to it... I've been washing walls, baseboards, spackling, painting, touching up shit and basically making things look and smell all kinds of fresh. I still don't know why I'm on such a kick, it probably has to do with how distracted I get. But once I fix stuff up, then I start thinking about decorating. That's like, a natural girl-thing to do right? I'm such a cliché.

So anywho, my BIG fix-up project will be our third floor. I probably won't even start it until the winter, so it makes me wonder why I'm thinking about it so much. It's an enclosed loft-ish space with a damaged ceiling, a bad paint job, and ceiling fan that looks like it might fall off at any moment. Not to mention the Moe damage. My fuzzy bunny has basically chewed his way around the room, gnawing at the baseboards and any wooden furniture standing in his adorable way. It's adorably horrible.

Now usually when I plan out these projects, I start by mapping out a course of attack: Estimating the amount of rollers I'll need, how much spackle, the paint color, blah blah. But yesterday, again for some friggin' reason unknown, I was all like "I really want to hang up a bunch of really funny or crappy cross stitches up there once I'm finished painting." And then a monster was born. And the monster was called Jill Looks On Etsy All Day For Geeky Cross Stitches.

And here is only some of what I found.
My God. The creativity is just amazeballs.

Hey Girl, by DefiantDamsel

Clerks II, by DefiantDamsel

Don't Do Coke, by knitforvictory

 

Dat Shit Cray, by LaughingStitchesByC



Moonrise Kingdom, by bobby2scoops

YOU IS FINE, by OhTriviality

Shut Up And Make Me A Sammich, by Stitcharific

NYAN CAT, by risibleitinerant

I could literally keep going all day. I think I might be getting obsessed. If you're looking to purchase me an obligatory wedding present, consider a wacky cross stitch. I'd rather have those than new dishes.  See? I told you the back story about all the cleaning shit was worth something.

B2B: bike to baby, not to beer.

I'm disappointed that my posts have been few and far between this summer. I think I've been productive, but I guess I haven't been putting it in words. I wanted to share the results of the box I was making.  You know, the kinda-secret but not-so-secret project. Results!

So the kinda-secret project was a box to hold cards for a surprise baby shower we went to this past Sunday for two fellow bike to beer ... bikers. Bike to beer bikers? Sounds redundant, but whatevs. And I crossed out surprise because future-husband spilled the beans the night before the shower, exclaiming to her, "yeah, I'll see you at your shower tomorrow!" D'OH. Needless to say, the surprise wasn't such a surprise, but the party was totally awesome. I must take notes from fellow crafter and party throwers Amie and Kara, because they rocks my party throwing socks. Onward!

So the concept came from the PMBA B2B sticker. You earn your sticker by riding your bike to get some beers. Good times! Hmmm... but then I was thinking: Is it inappropriate to put the B2B sticker logo on a card box, knowing that the recipient has been unable to drink beer for the past 8 months? Yes, for a beer lover that would be a certain slap. So I decided to do a different B2B logo: Bike to Baby instead. I think it came out nicely. After the stain dried, I did a light sanding to remove rough patches. I painted the inside green, then painted on some bold black silhouettes. I finished it off with a quick clear coat, and brought it to the shower on Sunday. All in all, a nice little project to do!!

the problem with wood stain.

Everyone at some point during their life will probably use wood stain. And I have yet to find a way to stain wood without pissing someone off. It's the gad'damn fumes that I loathe, and I can't find any way around it.

I'm working on a kinda-secret project. Not a hugely secret project, but a project that I don't want to advertise all over the internets none-the-less, just in case the recipient of said secret project stumbles upon it and figures out it's for them. You get me?

So, that being said, this not-so-secret project begins with wood: Wood that I had to stain. Now unfortunately, our region has been stuck in a sneaky death spiral of being more humid than the Amazon. And then it's really hot, then not so hot. Pretty much the perfect atmosphere for these assholes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ->

When I go outside, I have to slater myself in DEET just to avoid one bite. If I don't, I get about 20 of them which turn into bright, puffy, itchy welts. So I decided to stain the box in the garage yesterday. But the fumes were bad, and I knew that boyfriend future husband might return from his outing and want to do stuff in the garage. So.. I moved the stained box outside in the backyard to dry. This is where I encountered problem #2: It's too f***ing humid for any shit to dry outside. I left it outside for THREE HOURS and it was still as damp as it was when I stained it. I got three mosquito bites just by going outside to check on it. Fail.

So now I had a bigger problem: Where do I put this mother f***ing box? I can't leave it in the garage and piss off Lou. I can't leave it in the basement, because it will smell up the whole house and piss us both off. So that left me with quarantining my office/art space. I shut the air vent, turned on window fan so it blew outside, and shoved a towel underneath the closed door... It still didn't f***ing work. Which makes me feel like an asshole.

How the hell do you paint or stain anything, ANYTHING when conditions aren't friggin' perfect outside? Well, I found this article which might be able to help me in the future. Here are some thoughts from an article on EHow.com.


1. Open all the windows. (This wouldn't have worked in our Amazonian humidity, and potential threat of mosquito intrusion.)
2. Turn on fans. (I did that. Sorry number two.)
3. Light an odorless candle. (AH HA! That I didn't do... sounds plausible.)
4. Put crushed charcoal in a bucket with wet paper towels. (Ah, charcoal. Didn't think of that, probably because we don't have any charcoal lying around.)
5. Put a bowl of white vinegar in the room. (.. white vinegar? Alrighty. I'll try that. But how do I get the vinegar smell out of the carpet, when I accidentally kick it across the room when I forgot it was there in the first place?)

signs for jumptown

Yesterday, boyfriend future husband asked me for a favor: If I could whip up a couple signs for the Jumptown Trail at Launch Bike Park. Stop looking for the trail on the map link, cause it ain't there quite yet folks. If you want to see the signs and some crazy DHer's in action, plan on joining them for the Gravity East Series this weekend at Launch, ya heard?!

Here's what we accomplished:

We did a little collaboration: Lou scoped out the garage and cut up a couple small pieces of plywood. One was 8x11 and two others were 6x14. He took care of sanding and priming, and sent me the text he wanted on the signs. So I went to work on Word 2010, just sizing and mixing up fonts. Nothing fancy, but the text we chose was effective and bold.

Now, here's a tip to save some time and frustration if you're looking paint text on signs: Make an investment in Sallys Graphite Transfer Paper. It will save you A LOT of time. I'm terrible at free-handing text. Drawing guide lines, centering text correctly... it's bullshit I say. BULLSHIT! Just print out your text, lay down a sheet of graphite paper, trace, admire and paint. BOOM. You done.

In about two hours last night, I had everything completely finished. It's nothing fancy, but if it saves a DHer from a gnarly OTB, then it's all worth it.

diy meets life event: flowers

Let's face it folks. I live in the land of DIY where I'm the president, vice-president and CEO. When I have craft nights, it's like, all the leaders of different crafting countries coming together for the G8 summit. But we don't wear suits and we don't have awkward country-tension. I love to craft and create art. Just sayin'. That being said, I think it would be almost impossible for me to have a life-event and not do some crafty projects for it. That would be like ...I don't know... A pastry chef asking someone to bake a cake for them? You know what I mean, right?...right? This whole explanation was horrible.

FUN FACT: Did you know that I say horrible wrong? I pronounce it whore-able. Lou teases me because it's supposed to be haar-ible.

So, here's a project I'd like to tackle for the upcoming nuptials. But before that, a little disclaimer. Let me make something quite clear. This will not become a wedding blog. I'm simply not that kind of girl. Now, now, don't get me wrong. I'm stoked to the pumped about the wedding. It's going to be a ton of friggin' fun! To have an event with my family and friends all there? YEAAAAAA BOYEEEEE!

OK. Now onto a craft project I want to tackle:

photo courtesy of Anthony Carbajal via Offbeat Bride

photo courtesy of Anthony Carbajal via Offbeat Bride

Handmade yarn pom-pom flower bouquets. I found this awesome article on this site called Offbeat Bride detailing how to make them. I thought this would be so super cool to have instead of live flowers. I think live flowers are so pretty, but $300.00 for a bouquet? You shittin' me, bro?

Obviously, I'll have to make one for myself, my sister, and then people who like, wear flowers. Parents and such? Maybe future husband? Who knows. I don't want them to look tacky or cheap, but I thought it would be a simple fun way to add a shit-ton of colors and fun to something that I would otherwise just pick out from a catalog. Fun pom-poms on sticks collected from the Wiss? I likes the sound of that.

Here's a little test I did with yarn that my sister gave me and sticks from out in our yard. I think they need to be bulked up a little, and the sticks need to be twigs or smaller so they can gather a little easier. I think it'd be cool! I hope family agrees.

Glasstacular!

ALRIGHT, now I don't know what my problem is, but I've been having an awfully hard time updating this blog lately! Especially when I was all like "I'm going to upload pictures on Saturday!" Sad. That Saturday was 3 WEEKS AGO. Jill Fail.

So, to go back in time a little... Here is a post that I started and I totally planned on posting. But I didn't. ONWARD!


I can't lie. I'm so proud. I finished that glass, and I friggin' dominated it. I was all like, I'm totally going to finish you on time, and it's going to look so ga'damn professional that even you'll think you were made by a professional. And it was all like I'm glass so I can't talk, but OK!. It's probably one of the best one's I've completed to date. Alright, I'm done with my horn tooting. OK one more. TOOT.

Now onto logistics. After my last post, I evened out the seams at the 45 degree angle with wood filler, and let it sit until it was totally dry. After a quick sanding with my trusty mouse-sander, I gave it a light coat of primer. I knew there would be imperfections, and the primer totally told me where I needed more wood filler and sanding. After filling and sanding again, I gave the frame 2 more coats of primer, let it dry, and then rolled on 3 coats of a satin interior/exterior paint. The slight roughness of the roller pad gave the frame a great finish. I removed the protective papers, cleaned it up a little and set onto my next task.



Joints filled, awaiting it's first sanding!

Joints filled, sanded, primed, filled, sanded, primed, then painted! Waiting for the paper removal!

I began to think... how would I hang this? Should I do it, or should I let them do it? Just to cover my bases, I decided to write up detailed instructions. Not only about how to hang them, but how to clean them also. I decided to use two evenly placed rubber coated eyes-hooks on the top of each frame, which would hang neatly from a linked-chain, which I attached to screws.

When I got to their house, it was decided that I would hang the glass. Hell, I had the directions to follow, so why not!? After measuring and marking, I carefully drilled four pilot holes and screwed in screw-eyes that had the chains attached. After some slight adjustments, we carefully hung the glass. With my job complete, I snapped some photographs and bid my friends farewell for the evening.
 

You can see the eye-hook and chain detail a little in this picture.

Thanks, car. For photo-bombing me.